![]() ![]() Emotion: I hear/understand that you felt … (e.g., I understand that you felt disappointed…”).Be empathic – show your partner that you truly understand her/his unique and personal experience - this is different from sympathy, which is imagining how you would feel in their shoes.įocus on three components of your reflection:.Listen actively – use open body posture, eye contact, non-verbals that show you’re paying attention.Apologies come later, and explaining moves the focus from your partner to yourself. Use the word “you” to reflect what you’re hearing from your partner.Don’t worry, you’re going to have a chance to speak next. ![]() Avoid discussing your own emotions and perspective. Instead, focus on your partner’s feelings and experiences right now.Make sure that you capture all three pieces! When you’re reflecting, remember to: Step 3: Listener - Reflect with Empathy! After your partner has said her/his message, it’s your turn to show that you understand by repeating it back in your own words. (e.g., “…and that has led to some resentment about the way we divide responsibilities.”) Event: …when … (e.g., “when I had to clean the kitchen every night this week…”).Be careful not to start with “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” - these will lead you to beliefs, judgments, etc., rather than talking about your emotional experience. Note: that third word MUST be a vulnerable feeling - not an angry one. Emotion: I felt … (e.g., “I felt disappointed…”).Any more than that is hard for the other person to take in and reflect.įocus on three components of your message: Keep your message short – no more than two sentences at a time.It’s difficult, but there’s usually a way to avoid it. Avoid using “you” – it tends to make the listener defensive.Use “I” statements – focus on your own experience, not what you believe about your partner’s behaviors, thoughts, or feelings.In order for your partner to understand your experience, you’ll have to talk specifically about your feelings. Step 2: Speaker - Focus on Feelings! The point of this exercise is to help each partner feel truly understood by the other. Then you’ll swap roles so that both of you have a chance to express your feelings. The simplest way to decide who speaks first is to ask yourselves, “who owns the problem?” The person who is feeling upset about something should take the first turn as the speaker, while the other listens first. ![]() You will take turns as the speaker and the listener.
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